For the purposes of this review I’ll be handing it over to my alternate-Earth counterpart. So, give a big hand for your own Jason King look-alike D’Arce.*
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is this some kind of FREAK-OUT or WHAT!!!!!!!!!
HELLO, you groovy hepcats and cool chicks.
Many thanks to the big Darcy for contacting me and letting me GROOVE and MELLOW OUT with all you laid-back brothers and sisters. We’ll get to the review in just a sec my people, but first D’ARCE has an ANNOUCEMENT to make.
This is for all my brothers and sisters out there who know me and know that I don’t play by the RULES. The Rules are for SQUARES man. The Rules are an OPPRESSIVE tool of the FASCIST society that we live in. The RULES are just an excuse for THE MAN!!!! to keep us all down and under his thumb, and D’ARCE don’t LIKE or LOVE it that way. So THIS is the WAY it IS!!!!!!!
D’ARCE DOESN’T GIVE ANY SHIT!!!!!!!
D’ARCE is CLEAN AND BUFFED!!!!!
D’ARCE likes it LONG!! and THICK!! with LOTS of CREAMY GOODNESS!!
D’ARCE is PROUD to stand with the BLACK MEMBERS of the organization as they stand ERECT in their fight against those who would keep them IMPOTENT and DOWN!!
And although I don’t know too much about the SISTERS and THEIR FIGHT (count of being a fascistic, chauvinist male-pig). I UNDERSTAND their PAIN!! when they get SHAFTED by THE MAN!!!!.
OK. So now that’s out the way, let’s rap about the book of the week: SUPERMANS PAL JIMMY OLSEN (published by those NEO-NAZIS!! down at DC Comics)
Hard to believe, but at one time Jimmy Olsen was strictly squaresville man. Just check out those duds he used to wear. D’Arce wouldn’t be even seen dead in a checked suit with a little bow-tie, and although D’Arce can relate when Olsen grew a hundred feet or turn into a turtle (MAN!!!! I have to get me some more of that stuff. But kids!! Don’t take DRUGS!!! Make sure you pay for them and only from a reputable dealer), the comic was still DC’s worst selling title.
That was until THE KING!!! arrived at DC ( and I’m not talking Elvis. How is the guy anyway? MAN, that leather look was something!!! He and John Lennon must have turned your whole FACIST SOCIETY into a peace-loving utopia by now). No, THE KING!! I’m talking about was JACK KIRBY!!!!
This guy REINVENTED the whole comic-book scene dudes. Together with Stan “THE MAN” Lee he made comics cool and hip to be seen with. He made Superheroes real and not some TOOL of the STATE!! These were guys who had the same problems as the BROTHERS and SISTERS!! on the STREET!! They had funky clothes and went to coolest nightspots; the BLACK BROTHERS had the right kind of afros and talked the right kind of jive. Marvel was HIP and WITH-IT!!!!!
Those guys at the Merrie Bullpen were making their own counter-revolution right under the noses of THE MAN!!
But sad to say, all this only attracted the pigs that are the money-men. They have the bread whilst we honest dope dealers keep getting HASSLED by the cops and the feds who are used to keep this world from turning into a real TURN-ON!!
So, the big corporation bought out all those happy jesters at Marvel and they couldn’t give a SHIT about who THE KING was and although there were only the NEO-NAZIS!! at DC left to go to that’s where Jack ended up ( heard that Jack took a large monetary package to go there, but that can’t be right. Jack would have worked for nothing to do the work he loved. He wouldn’t have taken anything from an OPPRESSIVE!! REGIME like DC).
The legend is is that Jack said to DC, “Give me your worst selling title and I’ll turn it into a best seller”. So, the jealous pigs gave him Jimmy Olsen.
Straight away D’ARCE knew that this was something special. The headline on the cover said it all: – “KIRBY IS HERE!!” In his first issue THE KING re-introduced the Newsboy Legion and a new take on Jimmy Olsen. This DUDE was everything that KIRBY did for Marvel. He was HIP and COOL and ONE with THE KIDS!!!! He RAPPED on the same level as THE PEOPLE and was AGAINST THE MAN!! KIRBY brought all those FUN-LOVING and MELLOW FREAKS out into the open to show THE KIDS!! that they didn’t have to CONFORM to their parents so-called values. That DROPPING OUT is A GOOD THING!!! That TURNING-ON!! society is a worthwhile cause. That all MEN!! are the same under the color of their skin and that all corporations and media are EVIL BASTARDS!!! who are just LYING!!! to the PEOPLE!!!
Even the bikers in the story are just long-haired fun-loving freaks like me and my brothers (not like the ones I accidentally burned on a deal a couple of months ago. Oh no, those NO-DICK!! leather-clad hairies each tried taking turns on D’ARCE until I promised them my old lady in exchange. The laughs on them though, she was down at the clinic this week).
And Kirby could see the FUTURE!! He saw that DNA can be used to create CLONES of you!! Image little versions of yourself with READY-MADE UNDERWEAR!!! Scientists of the future will be working for the betterment of mankind. No more WEAPONS OF DEATH!!!, instead they’ll all be working on feeding the world and making cool aliens just like that DR.SPOCK. MANNNNNNNN!!!!! Like I said before all you guys must be in some kind of Utopia. IN fact I want IT NOW!!!
IWANITIWANITIWANITIWANITIWANITIWANIWANIT.
OHGODOGODOGODOGODOGODGODOGODOD.I@MCOMINGDOWN!!!!
MUSTTAKEMOREPILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SHITSHITWHEREARETHEY
?????!!!!!!!!…………..ITSALLLBECOMINGREALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!…………….
Sorry dudes. Kinda lost it there but D’ARCE is back to normal now.
Back to Jimmy Olsen.
The art is way GROOVY and OUT THERE. How did THE KING know how it looks in COSMIC SPACE? He must have been taking some of the stuff that the aliens gave to me at that last rock festival, man; those little dots could keep me trippin’ for weeks. Kirby’s are pretty FAR OUT!! as well.
But, there’s a fly in the ointment. Although Superman looks like Superman, it isn’t Kirby’s Superman. The OPPRESSIVE MONEYMEN!! at DC thought that Kirby couldn’t draw Superman or Olsen in line with their official SUPER-FACIST icon. This meant that every month THE KING had to hand over his hard work so that the heads of SUPER-FASCIST and Jimmy could be redrawn by various HACKS in the LABOUR PITS!! Why THE KING put up with this I don’t know.
Kirby did one last thing in the first few issues of Jimmy Olsen and that was creating the ultimate CRYPTO-FASCIST, Darkseid. This was not a COOL-CAT. This is the ultimate BADASS. This is the NIXON of the comic world and is just as eager to put down all the PEACE-LOVING, LONG-HAIRED FREAKS in the world. But NIXON and his WAR-MONGERING OPRESSORS will, just like Darkseid, not win against us. In Fact D’ARCE and his brothers have started to plan a way to levitate the White
House with the power of thought, meditation and love. All the news corporations will have to take notice of us then.
As for the issues with Don Rickles in them. As THE KING says, “Don’t ask. Just buy”.
So that’s that. and this is D’Arce leaving you and saying PEACE OUT and DON’T LET THE BASTARDS GET YOU DOWN. Now where did I put that stash?
* All comments here are the thoughts and words of D’Arce and nothing to do with Darcy. Honest.
